Wendigo
Member
TR-01
From Chicago to Toronto, she’s the one that they call ol’ Whatsername.
She’s a symbol of resistance and she's holdin’ on my heart like a hand grenade.
She’s a symbol of resistance and she's holdin’ on my heart like a hand grenade.
[The recording begins. Mouse *clicks* a few times, then a few seconds of silence.]
Hi, Sammy.
[The voice is soft and slightly hoarse.]
If you found this, that only means one thing. I’m – I’m so sorry.
[Long, shaky breath.]
You’re out for the day right now. I had to wait until you left. I didn’t want you to overhear any of this. I can’t risk losing you by you finding out, but – but if you’re listening to this, I guess you found out anyway. I’ve promised Connor I’d tell you myself, but… but I wanted to make this first. Just in case I couldn’t work up the courage to do it.
Anyway, uh – Kosuke gave me this equipment. I hope the sound’s coming through alright. You’re, um… If I haven’t already, you’re going to need to get this back to him. [A deep sigh.] God, I don’t even know what you should tell him. Don’t tell him the truth. He can’t – he doesn’t deserve that. Maybe – maybe just tell him something else happened to me. [Dry chuckle.] He thinks I’m involved in – in something bad, anyway. Maybe make something up about that. Anything but the truth.
Then again. I only dragged this out for you for so long by lying. So I get why you wouldn’t want to do that. And listen, Sam – I know it probably looks like I’ve been stringing you along. But honestly, this is the most I’ve felt in years. Not really since [voice cracks] Arlo, and even he wasn’t like – like this.
You’ve made the last few months the happiest months of my life, Sam. I know that won’t make up for what you had to do, but – god. I don’t know how to make this easier on you. I know you blame yourself for Alice, and I know it’s so much worse that you had to do it yourself this time. But know that you’ve made me happy, right up to the end. I am happy with this end. The only way I could be happier is if Arlo got me before we even met, and even then, I don’t think I’d actually be happier. I just know you’d be, and that – that’s what matters. That’s all I want. That’s all I ever really wanted.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
[Quiet. Another shaky breath.]
You… [Half-sob.] You can’t blame yourself, for this. I’ve known since we met what you were. I could’ve left at any time, to protect myself. This was my choice to stay. My choice to be happy, and – and to make you happy. I hope you were happy. For a little while. You seemed like it. And – you’re not a liar. Not like me.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never told you. I wanted this to last. I wanted this to be forever, even though I– I knew it couldn’t. But that’s who you are. Samantha Walsh, Phoenix, predator of predators. You hunt monsters and make sure they don’t hurt anyone else. Of course this would happen. It was always going to happen I was just – too selfish to stop it. If I’m going to die, I want it to be this way, I want it to be you, because I know why you’re doing it.
I guess… I guess it could be Nat. But he’s already seen more than enough of what I am. I don’t think he’d handle it well. I don’t even really think he could do it, he’s not like – he’s still innocent. God, he’s going to miss me. [Sobbing laugh.] Fuck it, tell him it was Cryptid. [Sob. Sniff. Quiet, then calmly.] Don’t tell him that. I think – I think you should tell him the truth, at least. He’s going to hate me. And I’m okay with that. I kind of deserve it. He’s going to be angry about that. He’s going to need someone to make sure that doesn’t turn him into me. He’s smart, but his ideals mean everything to him. He needs guidance. I couldn’t really do that for him.
And – god, Adelyn. I don’t know what you should tell Adelyn. I think – there’s this Chinese place, the – the one we went to, actually. I told her we were going to go there, the first time we met, but I – we got sidetracked. I think you should take her there. You two should try to get banned. [Laughs.] I’d pay to see that. [Sigh.] Make sure she stays okay. She’s got a good head on her shoulders but – ah, you know her. You know her. You’ll take care of her. Take care of both of them. They’re going to need someone to keep an eye out for them.
The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms, I cannot rest.
Until I wrap myself inside your arms, I cannot rest.
If it helps I… I think you protected them. Neither of them is strong enough to fight off what I really am, the monster inside of me. The monster that wants you wants them, too, just differently. Nat’s a nuisance at best, and at worst, a potential threat. I don’t think I’d ever hurt him, but – but if it got to the point where you had to… to take care of me, then I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from hurting him. And Adelyn is so soft. But she’s strong, she’s a predator, in a different way from me. More like Connor.
Maybe… maybe you could introduce them. I think it’d help them both to have someone that similar.
And… and for Connor. Tell him I’m sorry I never told you. He probably won’t believe you, but I think part of him is going to be relieved. [Dry laugh.] You know, when he found out you didn’t know, he thought I was hunting you.
I– I wasn’t. I’m not. God, I hope you don’t think that. Of course the half of my soul that’s a predator wants you like that. Do you know – I don’t think you would. But you smell like an apple pie, fresh-baked on a windowsill. And – god, I hope you never have to hear me say this – you taste like a sugar cookie, when we kiss. N-no. No. Like a snickerdoodle. You’re incredible. Every part of me wants you, the bad and –
I grew tall to fill the void
Let me go, ’cause you are just a shade of what I am, not what I’ll be.
Let me go, ’cause you are just a shade of what I am, not what I’ll be.
[The voice, which had started to find its strength, gets quiet again.]
I guess it’s just the bad, isn’t it? That’s all that’s left. I guess there’s the tired, too. But that’s eventually going to give way. I’m lying, all the time. I can’t – I can’t even say these things to your face. Because I know how this is gonna end. Because I’m selfish, and a coward, and all I can do is hope you can kill me before I can kill you.
I know you can. I know you have it in you. I’ve still got the burns from the last time we talked. They’ll go away, after I eat again.
[Silence.]
I– I guess I don’t really need to tell you how that works, do I? Since– it doesn’t matter anymore. If you’re listening to this, then I don’t [sniffs] – I’m not going to hurt anyone else. Never again. [Forced upbeat.] And don’t take my tone the wrong way, Sammy. I– I’m glad. I’m glad that’s over. I won’t kill anyone else, won’t – eat anyone else. And again, I’m glad it’s you. Really, truly, and genuinely. If I didn’t think I’d ever want that, I wouldn’t have stayed.
But I’ve run for so long. It’s been – it’s been nice, having a home again.
I know it hurts. I know. God, Sam, I know. And I’m so sorry. [Crying, audibly.] I’m so sorry it had to be you, and it had to be me, and it had to be like this. I’m so tired of all of this. I’m so tired of – of everything. Suicide by Phoenix doesn’t sound great, it’s not fair of me but – but if you had to, you had every right to. I’m tired of everything except you. And Connor, and Nat, and Addy, and Kosuke, and…
[A long, shaking breath.]
You’re like my family, now. I never really had that before. I’m sure you’ll do all your research about me now that – now. Even now I can’t really – it’s –
[A long, sniffling breath.]
It’s not worth talking about now. I wish maybe I could’ve told you everything, but now that’s… that was never a possibility. The number of lies I’ve told you just to keep us standing, to keep us us, isn’t fair. It’s not fair. None of this was fair to you. I know that. I can see that. I was so desperate to hide what I was that I’ve put you into this position. I know you love who you think I was. Who you think I am. I know… I – I know.
I love you.
[Long, sobbing breath. Sobbing, with increased intensity.]
God, Samantha, I wish I could bring myself to say it to you. I wish it didn’t feel like a lie whenever I see how you love, knowing that you burn with it and I’m so… I’m so goddamn hollow, Sam. I’m just the hunger. No matter what I do, or how much I try, that’s all I am. I know you think we’re soulmates a-and I don’t even know if I have a soul, anymore. Not with what I’ve become. What I can be, what it– what I do. Not with the part of me that loves the idea of your throat between my teeth.
How can ‘I love you’ make up for that? How can I love you when – when I don’t have a heart, to love? I can pretend. I can play pretend and I can hope for the best, but deep down, I know. I know when I get this cold, and this hungry, that I’m… that I’m not safe. That I’ll never be safe. Not as long as I live.
[Calmly. Softly.]
So maybe – maybe I can be happy, pretending. Pretending that what we are can be real, can ever be real. Maybe I can… I can let you love me, and take whatever you think I have to give. Maybe I can spend the rest of my life happy, as long as it’s with you. Whether that’s two years or two weeks, I – I think I can love you. Whatever you ask from me, you could have. You deserve it. You deserve the whole world and more.
You deserve so much more than me. And I don’t deserve you. But if I’m really what you want, then you can have almost all of me. And eventually you’re going to actually have all of me, one way or another. If you hadn’t, I know you wouldn’t be listening to this.
I’m sorry that to have all of me, you had to have my teeth. And my cold. And my hunger. I hope you don’t just remember that from me. I hope you remember some of the good. I know no matter what happens, I’ll never be able to forget it.
And just remember that I love you. Please. Please remember that despite all of this, I – I have to love you, this way. The way we are. I don’t know if I have a heart, but God, I know I can give you whatever I can. I can give you security, I can protect you. And– and I know that I can’t give you that protection forever. And I know that you don’t need my protection, not from everything else out there. But I can protect you from one monster. And when I can’t anymore, I know you’ll be stronger than me.
I love you. I love you, Samantha Walsh.
[Deep breath.]
Goodbye, Sammy.
I love you.
“I’ve seen enough,” he says, “I know exactly what I want
And it's this life that we’ve created,
Inundated with the fated thought of you
And if you asked me to, if you asked me, I would lose it all
Like petals in a storm
’Cause darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades
At night when light is fading
Just to let you know I’m old, waylaid and feels like I am wading
Into carpet burns and carousels–
Christ, you'll be the death of me.”
And it's this life that we’ve created,
Inundated with the fated thought of you
And if you asked me to, if you asked me, I would lose it all
Like petals in a storm
’Cause darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades
At night when light is fading
Just to let you know I’m old, waylaid and feels like I am wading
Into carpet burns and carousels–
Christ, you'll be the death of me.”